An old adage says that you cannot love others if you do not love yourself. At the same time, you are bombarded with messages that measure everyone against some ideal whether it is weight loss, a new car, or the elusive perfect…whatever. The underlying message is that you are not enough the way you are and with what you have. The ads are not about true self-improvement, but the way you can fix your problem of inadequacy by buying their product or service. So, you look around at the world and beat yourself up because you cannot attain the ideal, no matter how much you try. Well, there is a way to evolve into the person you want to be--$0.00; convenient; tailored to you; you control the outcome. What could do such a thing? Other than journaling, that is. The transforming power of self-love. Underneath the umbrella of self-love are the elements of self-compassion, self-acceptance, and self-care.
Self-love is the recognition, acknowledgement, acceptance, and appreciation for who you are—all parts of you. The lifestyle of self-love is an expansive process over time as you grow and change. You acknowledge you are imperfect, and so is everyone else. Many people struggle for years trying to become…something different from who, what, where they are. Others make whatever the accomplishment was look so easy, or so lucky. You are sucked into a downward spiral of self-rejection. But you can learn to love who you are, what you look like, your capabilities. What seems easy for you is astounding to others. You can learn how to protect yourself from loving, well-meaning people that say you just are not enough. Here is a partial list of a life of self-love:
You compare yourself to others many thousands of times a day. Think about the number of people you see and hear as you go about your daily routine and how you engage in judgment and comparison. Every time you see other people and hear about the success of others, you deem yourself superior or inferior in countless areas—appearance, education, occupation, possessions, popularity, etc., etc., etc. When you make unhealthy comparisons of yourself to others, you discount everyone. You send the message to yourself that you are not okay as you are. You see yourself and others as objects that either do or do not meet the ideal residing in your mind. This is not to say that healthy comparison has no place. You may see where in your life change would benefit you. The distinction between a desire to improve your life and an obsession with the perpetual chasing of a dream based on someone else’s free-floating opinions and rules makes all the difference.
Self-love is a whole-life approach to everything you do with self-compassion and self-acceptance which leading to self-care. You treat yourself with kindness. You claim your worth as a precious human being. You take care of your whole being—physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. You believe in your ability to contribute to the life you want and the community in which you live. You spend time with people and activities that bring you meaning, joy, and peace.
Self-love does not equal narcissism which commands you to see yourself above others. Instead, you view yourself with honesty and offer yourself validation for using your skills, whether innate or learned. You also see where in your life you want to create a new reality, a new perspective of yourself.
The elements of self-love are distinct yet interrelated, active, fluid ways of being. You may be in different states at times, or you may inhabit several states at once in several areas of your life or in the same one. Here is a closer look at them.
How you treat yourself with kindness, gentleness, softness, and tenderness, especially when difficulty enters your life. You comfort and forgive yourself in the moment as much as possible. You acknowledge that you may need to apologize, make an amend, or pay restitution. You see yourself as a human being who makes mistakes, just as every human being does.
This element is the ongoing process of acknowledging you are neither good nor bad, but are instead a mix of thoughts, beliefs, traits, and behaviors, some of which you like and others you do not. Together, they make up the whole of who you are as an individual unlike any other individual. Because everyone is universally unique, there can be no comparisons. Again: Because everyone is universally unique, there can be no comparisons. One more time: Because everyone is universally unique, there can be no comparisons. You step back and look at the whole of your life and see how each experience contributed to your evolution and wisdom. So, you decide which beliefs and behaviors you can change, should you so choose, and which ones you can accept in peace.
When you love someone or something, you nurture it whether with your family and friends or the houseplant someone threw out that you refuse to let die. You extend that care to yourself. You take steps to make your environment—whether your home or office, or the oceans and forests—an inviting and comfortable space. You learn what feels good and nourishes you and what brings you emotional pain. You seek out ways to enrich your life by opening your mind to learning and to facing challenges with
strength and conviction. You discern the difference between acting courageously and taking unnecessary risks. Your presence commands respect from yourself and others.
As discussed above, self-love is comprised of all the ways you treat yourself with kindness. All the ways you find joy in yourself. All the ways you feel and express gratitude for your being. All the ways you honor the gifts of your abilities. You pamper your body, your mind, your spirit. You integrate new activities and people into your life who encourage and support you. The vagaries that make life a challenge and an adventure take on new meanings. You turn to your inner resources for guidance and enlist the support of others when needed.
Self-love is a life-long, ever-evolving process of experience and evaluation. Perfect does not exist here. We continue to learn. Although self-care is the last point on the trajectory, it is supported and propelled by self-compassion and self-acceptance and the cycle begins anew.
Breathe deeply. Be generous to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Keep writing.
Author bio:
She shares her strength and hope on www.journalingtoheal.com.