By Jenetta Haim
Dedicated to my friend Stanislaw Stephan Zelazny who died June 2016 aged 55.
Most of you on this site appreciate why journaling is so important so today I don’t want to write about that. Today I don’t want to write about a lot of things but look here, nevertheless I am writing and as I write, like you, my mind starts to think about what I am writing about.
So the purpose of the exercise begins its self-fulfilment. Today I don’t want to write about the kind of day I’ve had or the fact that it was long or that I am a bit tired. I don’t want to even mention that I cooked dinner earlier and there was nothing on TV and the hundredth rerun of ‘Sex and the City’ is just plain boring. I don’t want to write about how one of my clients arrived early and the other went over time and I never got to the post office. Or I didn’t really feel like going to buy my partner an ice cream at the shops because he was finishing an important business article.
What’s Up?
Yet here I am writing. I guess as I write this my mind is going to something that did preoccupy me most of the day. Many of my days lately in fact. A few months ago a close friend died in his sleep and it was such a shock. He had been ill on and off but not that ill. He just didn’t wake up. I had spoken on the phone to him only 2 days before. We had been friends for over 27 years and in that time fought heaps over differences in opinion, made up, insulted each other, screamed at each other but nevertheless when it came to the crunch each of us would be on the other end of the phone – ‘what’s up?’. We were always there for each other and the disagreements would be put aside and I guess when it boils down to it that’s what friendship is all about.
So this is five months now that he’s been gone and we just went and put the ashes in his mum’s grave last week. There is still an ongoing inquest as to why he died. Nothing so mysterious and he wasn’t killed but they have to do their investigations. We’re told they are very thorough and sometime in the next 18 months we will get a full multiple page report. As if that helps him, or us. Multiple pages telling us the state of his liver, heart etc. etc. Who really cares? That won’t help him or us now.
Bottom line is he is gone. Ripped from us like a page ripped out of a book and crumpled up and thrown into the garbage. We can philosophise on how his life force will live on as energy is not created or destroyed, we can say God called him to be with him, we can talk about how this is part of my friends journey but no matter which way we put it ultimate reality is he is no longer on this planet and we can’t hug him, or share a meal or even have one of those damn fights and scream at each other anymore.
Lessons, Lessons, Lessons
I guess in itself this is a lesson. A lesson in valuing the moment. The present situation. Not to take it as something that will live on forever because the reality of it is that it won’t. So for all our striving and hard work, for all our fights, for all our wonderful experiences, all of us, one day will no longer be here. How sad.
I am reminded of how when I was 8 years old one day my grandfather was carted off to hospital and I never saw him again. Heart attack, blood transfusion, heart just gave out. He was ripped from me the same way as this friend. We are such creatures of cyclic patterns. What is the cyclic pattern you have? Yes, you out there reading this. What is your pattern? Your repeated pattern that causes a present moment to trigger your past. Let’s be honest now. There’s only you and me on this page and I am words on a doc. You can be honest with yourself and no-one will know. What is your pattern and how can you put meaning from today’s experience into yesterdays, and use that to your advantage to change your life in a positive direction?
What Now?
I know how I will use my experience. Every time I hear the music that my friend loved so much I will think of him and smile. Every time I get sad because he’s not here I will look at the moment, the present moment I am in at the time and who I am with and treasure it. And maybe hug that person, or say a kinder word to them, or tell them how much I appreciate them in my life. I can’t say those words anymore to him now but I am sure he knew. Yet I still miss him and grieve and cry sometimes for the lack of tactile contact. Sometime I think I can hear his voice when I do something stupid telling me so, sometimes the wind reminds me of him (I don’t quite know why) but one thing I do know. He is still there living in the world around me if not in body. He is in my thoughts and in my heart.
Who do you grieve for? What do you grieve for? What have you lost? How can you use that to help you move forward in your journey? We are all on this boat called planet earth sailing through a dark blue sky at the speed of thousands of kilometres. This is our journey, yours and mine and when we think about our experiences we could all write a book. O wow! Did I start this with ‘today I don’t want to write?’ I guess I did write after all. Look what happens when you just put a few words on a page. You can do this too.
Where will it lead you? Just start journaling.
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