How often do you “should” yourself in a day? Have you ever paid attention to the number of times you say you should do, say, think or feel something? Do any of these statements sound familiar?
- I should be grateful just to have a job in this economy.
- We should just get married.
- I should stop being so sensitive.
- I should go to the gym every morning.
- I should read the classics instead of thrillers.
- I should visit my family more.
- I should stop wasting so much time on painting.
- I should cook dinner every night.
- We should enroll our kids in music lessons.
“Should” Hides What You Really Want
Make a note of all the “shoulds” in your conversations today, and jot down observations for journal writing later. Do you say it more often around certain people or when discussing certain topics? How does it make you feel when you start a sentence with, “I should…”?
Far too often, we allow ourselves to be dominated by this one little word. We may think we’re focusing on self-improvement when we’re really blocking out our true emotions and desires and following someone else’s script. “Should” takes hold of our guilt, shame, anxiety and perfectionism, and it lets our inner critic tell us we’re not good enough.
In your personal journal, take a closer look at what these statements say about what you truly want and need – and what you feel you should be striving for instead.
Journal Writing Exercise
- Write a list of the different “should” statements you noticed yourself saying throughout the day.
- Examine each statement individually:
o In what context did you say this?
o Who were you talking to?
o Is there any background to why you said it?
o What were you feeling when you said it?
o Is this something you actually want? Why?
o Is it something you feel obligated or expected to want? Why? By whom?
- Free-write for a few minutes about what you discovered about your “should” list. What true desires do you see within them? What outside expectations do you want to let go of?
- Rewrite your list in definitive statements of what you want and need (or don’t want and need) – no “shoulds” allowed! For example:
o I want to read novels that interest me.
o I love painting, and I want to make time for it.
o I don’t want to go to the gym, but I do want to take daily walks.
o I want to eat more healthy foods at home, and my goal is to cook twice a week.
- Reflect on the differences between the two lists. How does the second list make you feel? Does it give you a sense of ownership over your desires? Does it motivate you to act differently? Write down your observations in your personal journal.
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