Approval from people feels good, and that is a natural and normal response.
Disapproval and rejection are much harder to take, but we all suffer such experiences from time to time.
We are imperfect, every one of us, and we don’t always meet other people’s expectations.
There are occasions when the significant people in our lives are disappointed in us, and they have the right to communicate their feelings, as long as they do it respectfully.
But we should be careful not to automatically blame ourselves when this happens.
It’s not necessarily our problem when someone disapproves of us. We were not put on this earth simply to ‘measure up’ to other people’s standards.
If you tend to crash painfully when someone criticises you, you may be “hooking up” deeply buried childhood memories. A critical parent may have scolded you too much, and as a child you internalised their anger.
If you were frequently described as a “bad boy” or “naughty girl” you probably believed these comments were true, as most young children see their parents and other authority figures as infallible.
You were probably too young to see that some of this criticism was unjustified and that mum, dad or your teacher were simply having a bad day.
This is particularly likely to be the case if you are a Baby Boomer, as you grew up in the days when many adults knew little about child psychology. Parents could be quite careless with their words because they didn’t realise the implications.
Strict parenting causes a fear of disapproval when we become adults. This can make us into “people pleasers” who are easily manipulated by others and prone to depression and anxiety.
If you think this applies to you, why not do some self-therapy work in your journal writing, and draft out your own “Charter of Assertive Rights”?
Write about any situations where you have felt judged, disapproved of, or cast aside because of something you did or didn’t do.
Analyse each situation. What happened? What was said? Did you feel a loss of self-worth, ashamed, or humiliated?
What was the negative message you received and the lie you believed about yourself and your value as a person?
Now work on revising your beliefs. An example of a healthy belief is this:
“Approval feels nice, but I don’t need other people’s approval in order to accept myself. Disapproval feels uncomfortable, but I am still a worthwhile person.”
Draw up your personal Charter of Assertive Rights.
Here are some suggestions that have worked for me:
When you have written your Charter of Assertive Rights, take the time to reflect on them in your journal writing and add to them regularly. You’ll be amazed at how much guilt and shame you off-load, and how free you feel.
Lyn Alderson is a professional journalist, blogger and author, based in the English Midlands.
She has 25 years’ experience of writing news and features for UK newspapers and magazines.To find out more about Lyn and her work visit http://lacopywriting.co.uk
If you want to find out more about the health benefits of keeping a journal, check out Lyn's e-book The Write Therapy: How Keeping a Journal Can Make You Happier, Healthier and More Productive available from the Amazon Kindle Store.