For some time now, actually since completing two classes with Mari McCarthy (find her here on Her Future, and also at Createwritenow.com --- she's fantastic!), I've been meaning to blog about some of my experiences.
I've always been connected to a journal of some kind, starting with a diary as a kid. I've never managed to stick to it regularly until recently, and I owe the inspiration for that to Mari.
My first class with her was transformational. My journal actually "worked"---now, let me clarify, before I give anyone the wrong idea. I had the idea that my journal was going to work like a magic shopping list, and whatever I wrote down, the universe would give me. What ended up happening was amazing---but for me, it was so much about going INWARD to fulfill my desires, not focusing on some other power "out there." And that remains the case today.
Anyway, I was in a situation at the time I started the class in which I absolutely felt stuck. All I wanted was a new apartment and to be rid of our landlords who also claimed to be our friends. But whatever we don't heal, or process, or learn, out of one situation will just follow us to the next. So I knew that even though I just wanted the Universe to wave a magic wand and "fix" everything, it was going to be a much more meaningful process in which I tackled any number of demons, including fears, anger, bitterness, and a serious "why me?!" complex. By the end of the course, lo and behold, my husband and I were FORCED by circumstances to move (wish granted, albeit in a strange way), since our landlords were losing their house of which we rented the lower floor, and we found a great apartment. Not only that, but I found my hidden cojones, so to speak, and really stood up to our friend, where before I just sort of stood by and let him treat us poorly and avoid his responsibilities. It was *my* responsibility to learn how to deal with him without fear, and to find the power within me to do so. Wow.
Right after Christmas, I'd hit a real low, with two huge disappointments in my writing career. Mari being the dear that she is emailed to ask how I was doing. I was so depressed that it took me a long time to even respond to her. Even so, she had much encouragement to offer me. I subscribe to her free journaling tips via email, and several were sitting unread in my inbox. I finally turned back to my journal in what I felt like was another mysterious and difficult point in my experience. After a few days, I glanced back at some of the emailed journaling tips, and I realized, I'd been doing some of those specific things, and covering some of those very issues on my own! Talk about synchronicity! And that is something that is the norm when you're journaling, especially if you're taking one of Mari's classes.
During this time, I found myself in a situation that felt like I was repeating for the millionth time. I really meditated and prayed on how I could make it different. Again, that recurring theme of going within--and finding answers within instead of without--served me so well! The situation is typical of what many creative people have to do to survive until we are able to make a living doing our art--I was working a temp job. And as hard as it was, I embraced it; not so much the particular situation, as the opportunity to grow, to find out more about myself instead of gnashing my teeth reciting the "why me" script again (which was very tempting, since one of those big disappointments I mentioned was being rejected from a writing position that would have been my "big break" AND given me more financial freedom).
I listened, I prayed . . . and I wrote in my journal every step of the way. Sometimes I asked a lot of questions. It's amazing what opens up when you write something down. Then it's out there, not just for you to see and review on the page, but it opens up your thought to the right answers. Other days, I just timidly wrote down the insights I thought I was getting. Well, if I put the whole story down for you on paper, it would appear to have ended in disaster. Far from it. In the past, I would have come out of an experience like that feeling both a failure, and also extremely angry and self-righteous--as in "how could that so-and-so have treated me that way?" I would have played the victim with gusto. But this time, I saw the forest for the trees. For the first time, really, I was able to separate someone else's behavior from me--it had nothing to do with me. I was also able to document some of what occurred and present it to the employment agency. I felt empowered, and was even able to laugh at how ridiculous some of what happened really was. And my journey as a writer continues---I've just read about turning blogs into books, so I'm exploring a new blog about my experiences as a "temp."
These days, my journal is such a part of my daily experience. Sometimes it's the only writing I do on a given day---but boy does it count! I've added Gratitude every single day. And it helps me keep my writing practice on the whole on track.
Over the years, my journaling dialogue has transformed from the angst-ridden "Dear Diary" of a young girl, to the romanticized reporting of daily events, to the pure anger of someone who is in the throes of learning how to live in grace and joy---and finally to today. I have a lot of gratitude. I try to write as much about what I'm learning as I do recording laundry lists of daily events. I am so much less angry. Even on my bad days, I hang on and "just write" as Natalie Goldberg says. I just write.
I hope anyone who reads this will seriously consider picking up a pen and a notebook, or leather journal, or whatever you choose--and get going on your journey.
BIO