Writing My Way to Healing

Guest Post by Katie Paul

I was one of those people that believed what my parents told me -- if I worked hard and played by the rules then life would turn into a happily ever after.

I did all that. And on the surface it looked like I was living the dream. I had a fifteen year marriage, a house in the inner suburbs just a ferry ride away from my job at one of the most recognised icons on Sydney Harbour. Life was exactly the way I had planned it.

But something was missing

In 2005, my search for something to fill up the hole inside of me led me to the decision to lose weight. I lost nearly thirty kilos but the weight I lost threatened to return the minute I took my focus away from what I was eating and working out nearly every day. In 2007 I started blogging about my health and fitness journey hoping to find the secret to staying thin forever.

Blogging became my writing practice. Over the course of the next four years I took my readers on my journey through two bodybuilding competitions followed by periods of beating myself up because I couldn't stop eating afterwards. In September 2009, I finally realised that I had an eating disorder -- I was bingeing and purging with exercise and laxatives.

So what has this got to do with writing? I believe part of my recovery from my eating disorder and my ability to survive the events that came afterwards came from sharing my thoughts and feelings on my blog. Writing my story, confessing my struggles and getting the thoughts out of my head and on to paper allowed me to process things quickly and cleanly. For the first time in my life I was telling the truth and people were still listening and supporting me even though I was flawed.

And then life got more complicated

After the constant noise of dieting and exercise were gone from my life, I realised what I was hungry for was a deep intimate connection with a man. After kissing another man on New Year's Eve 2009 I knew that my marriage was over. I moved out in March 2010.

This next paragraph is hard to write and harder to live. I have never been able to write much about what happened that April morning in 2010 because of the rawness of my wound. It has a scab on it now, but if I bump it, the wound starts weeping again. My husband killed himself six weeks after I left and I found his body. My world has never been the same.

I haven't tried to write about this until recently. I left my high powered job and went back to University to do a Masters in Non-Fiction writing so I could write a memoir. The working title is "Seen and Not Heard" and tells the story of how I lost my voice and my journey to discover it again. To write about this, I needed to write about the death of my marriage, the death of my dreams and the death of a person I lived with for almost twenty years.

Inner | Voice | Ink

So I thought about how I could find a safe place to write and came up with a writing practice that I now call inner | voice | ink. It takes the practice of writing about painful things and encloses it in a meditation practice that defines the beginning and end of immersion in the past. There are six steps in the process:

1. enclose – assemble the tools needed for your practice – pen, notebook (or computer program), candle or other item for creating a sacred space, and uninterrupted time.

2. repose – clear the mind, breathe and connect to your inner voice. Ask the Universe (or your version of divine power or your higher self) to inspire you and keep you safe.

3. propose – decide on a writing topic that feels right for that day. Not everything has to be dredged up and some days lighter is better.

4. compose – write continuously for 15 minutes without stopping, correcting or reading back what you’ve written.

5. expose – read back what you have written and the identify the themes and emotions. Note what surprises you or where your thoughts lead you.

6. close – release the practice, let go of the feelings and finish with gratitude.

Through this practice I have managed to tackle the pain in the past while staying safe. I made a video that I use, particularly when I'm stuck or resistant to writing on a particular day. A copy of the video is available as a bonus for signing up to my Insiders' List.

Living an imperfect life

Life these days is good. I still love to blog and I write every day. My book is coming along nicely and should be ready to be pitched to an agent or publisher mid next year. I have a wonderful boyfriend who gives me the love I've craved my whole life and I treasure every single moment of every day. Writing has healed me, stretched me and connected me to a community of people who have watched over me every step of the way.