As a kid, my dream was to be a writer and a mom. "I can stay home with the kids and write!" Now, as a mom of a 7-month-old, I know this to be a sweet idealistic and unrealistic fantasy.
Despite that, it's still my dream to be a full-time writer and have free time to spend with my family and do the other things I love – swim and explore new trails. To do this, I'd have to leave a secure, full-time job with benefits and enter the uncertain world of a working artist.
This creates equal parts excitement and fear. Yes, that’s the life I want, but I have a family that depends on me. What if I quit my job with the stable income and health insurance, and then fail and let down my whole family and put them in a bad situation all because I selfishly wanted to chase a dream?
I have been contemplating this question for months. I read books like Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert, Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis, and Untamed by Glennon Doyle trying to find a nugget of wisdom that I could use. I loved these books, the authors’ strong voices, and their message that people, especially women, should – and can – pursue their dreams.
And yet I was still stuck.
I needed to problem solve this dilemma because it, in addition to my 7-month-old with an inconsistent sleep cycle, was keeping me up at nights. So, I turned to the journaling course 7 Days to Money Mastery to better focus on my goals and intentions. While completing this self-paced journaling course, I realized two things: 1) I don't have a clear model of what a successful artist’s life looks like for a person who is the main breadwinner of a family and 2) I'm afraid to fail at something I've never tried. My issues aren't as much about money as they are about lacking a clear direction and confidence.
I wish this were a blog post in which I could tell you that I gained confidence and quit my soul-sucking full-time job and am now a successful writer who earns enough to support her family. The truth is, my job isn’t soul-sucking – it’s just time consuming. And maybe I don’t get to swim and go on trail adventures as much as I’d like, but I still make time for them. I have little writing projects that I complete on Sunday mornings, if the baby is asleep. I’m still in the writing game – it’s just not the focus of my career.
Through the 7-Days to Money Mastery journaling course, I realized that the thing I value most is family. And because of that, I will make monetary decisions that most benefit my family. At this time, those decisions include staying in a full-time job that will allow us to have a comfortable life rather than take a risk that could negatively affect everyone.
I wish also that this were a blog post that I could title “The Top Ten Ways to Reach Your Dreams” or at least provide you with concrete advice on how to achieve something seemingly unattainable. Maybe one day I can write that post. Today, I am playing it safe. Today, I know that I need more models of a successful artist’s life and more confidence in my writing. Today, I continue to research and write on Sunday mornings. Today, I accept that I am doing what’s best for my family. Today, I’m laying the groundwork for a comfortable life while also creating small stepping stones towards the artist’s path. Today, I continue to journal for self-reflection, posterity, self-fulfillment. And maybe tomorrow I will discover that my dream is a sweet realistic and attainable goal.